The Sofa Annexer
- Habitat
- Your exact seat, still warm
- Call
- A long, theatrical sigh
Was told "not on the sofa" once in 2019. Has treated it as a suggestion ever since.
Canis familiaris · species notes
Dogs: a serious study of very unserious animals.
After years of careful observation from the sofa, we can finally share what dogs do all day, what they mean by it, and why your socks keep going missing.
A day in the life
- 05:47Stares at your face from 4 cm away until you wake up. Denies all knowledge.
- 06:00Breakfast. Eaten in 3.2 seconds. Immediately reports never having been fed.
- 08:30Guards the house from a leaf.
- 10:00Nap #1 of 14.
- 11:15The postman arrives. A war is fought. The house is saved, again.
- 13:00Hears a crisp packet open two rooms away through a closed door.
- 15:30Rolls in something. Will not say what.
- 18:00Dinner. See 06:00.
- 22:00Takes up 80% of a king-size bed while weighing 9 kg.
Breeds, by behaviour
Forget Labradors and Spaniels. These are the four types that actually matter.
The Postman's Nemesis
- Habitat
- The front window, 11:14 onwards
- Call
- Every bark it owns, at once
Has never once caught the postman. Remains convinced it is winning.
The Sock Collector
- Habitat
- Under the bed, with the evidence
- Call
- Muffled, through a sock
Steals exactly one of each pair. No one knows what it is building.
The Professional Beggar
- Habitat
- Six inches from your plate
- Call
- Silence. Just the eyes.
Has convinced three separate households it has never seen a sausage.
Dog to English
| What they do | What they mean |
|---|---|
| *brings you a toy* | Throw it. Don't take it. Throw it. Why are you taking it. |
| *tilts head* | I have understood nothing, but I am cute about it. |
| *spins three times, lies down* | The ritual is complete. The floor is now a bed. |
| *leans on your legs* | You belong to me now. This is not a negotiation. |
| *eats grass* | I'm fine. This is fine. I'll be sick on the rug later. |
Frequently barked questions
Is my dog a good boy?
Yes. Studies* have repeatedly confirmed it. (*No studies. But also yes.)
Why does my dog bark at nothing?
It isn't nothing. You just aren't trained to see it. Respect the process.
How much sleep does a dog need?
Roughly all of it, apart from 5:47 am, which is non-negotiable.
Can I stop my dog sleeping on the bed?
You can try. Let us know how it goes. It won't go well.